The other day I was amazed by what someone told me. I held the door for an elderly black lady as she was entering a pharmacy. She looked at me as if I had come from Mars. Finally she turned and said, "No white man has ever held the door for me, ever." I was stunned. I didn't even know how to reply.
Manners seem to have flown out the door over the years. For decades, the rich held the banner of courtesy and manner. In addition, the South always had a rigid code of ethics. The middle and lower classes were not taught these things. Along came Emily Post. She wrote a book called Etiquette that has seen more printings than almost any book in history. In it she told the everyday common man and woman what to do in any situation and how to handle it gracefully and with style. The book is still available and has been updated many times. In addition, we have ladies like Miss Manners that write about these situations each week in the newspaper.
So much of style and manners is just common sense, but much of it seems outdated to the young. In fact, I know some young ladies that feel the courtesy of a gentleman is misogynist.
I grew up with the most rigid of parents. My father in the Air Force (with a whole code of conduct that if not followed could get you discharged) and with the ultimate Southern Belle (who could be quite a tough businesswoman) for a mother. I won't say it was always easy. Manners, courtesy and polite behavior were drilled into me constantly. I hate to say it, but I sometimes fail at these instructions. I have been known to have a temper and when that happens all courtesy seems to leave my brain and body. I always feel terribly when this happens and strive to do better. However, here are a few of things that I have learned. Some seem ridiculous in this day and age, but others still make a lot of sense.
I was taught NEVER to hold two utensils at the dinner table in my hands at one time unless cutting something. I was also taught to put my napkin back in my lap when I picked up a utensil. Sounds dumb, but looks much more graceful.
I learned to always stand when a lady entered the room or joined a table. It is also correct to pull out a ladies chair so she may sit comfortably.
It is never acceptable to not open a door for another person.
Hand written thank you notes are not an option, but a necessity. Emails will not do when someone does something kind for you, invites you to dinner, etc.
Always take a hostess/host gift when invited to another person's home for a party or dinner.
Return phone calls in a timely manner.
Ask your guests at a dinner party if they have food restrictions.
Wear appropriate clothing to the theatre, opera, or symphony. It shows respect to the artists and their performance. I also think dressing for church is important. It amazes me at times what people think is acceptable for a service.
Athletic shoes are for the gym or exercise. Flip flops are for the beach.
Don't ask a very sick person, "What can I do?". Make a meal, offer to drive them...but give them actual options.
It really is dreadful when an acquaintance asks how you are and you actually tell them. That should be reserved for close friends..or in this day and age; your therapist.
Talking about money is tacky.
Never discuss religion, politics or sex at a dinner party where the guests are not of your same persuasions.
Don't tour your house unless a guest asks to see it.
Drive as you wish other drivers to treat you. Driving like a maniac actually can kill people.
Apologize when you have to...and mean it. Usually as quickly as possible is the best way.
Remove your child from a restaurant/theatre/etc. if they become unruly. Better yet, leave young children with a sitter.
Of course the list goes on and on, but these are just the things that popped into my head. Perhaps this all sounds elitist or that I believe I am "better than others". Nothing could be further from the truth. I believe that people can behave in any way, shape or manner they wish. If you don't want to be polite..then don't be.
I just think that the world would be such a better place if we all agreed that common courtesy, a wish to be polite and a bit of grace and polish could come back.
I'm hardly perfect and I occasionally forget what I was taught, but I usually snap out of it and remember that opening a door for an elderly black woman can mean something far more important to her than the intent I originated.
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