I have been moving right along on my novel. So far so good. My objective readers really like it and I am justly proud of my efforts.
I had to take a tiny bit of time off from writing the book to compose this essay. I don't know that I can really say much more than the press and even Ellen DeGeneres has said on the subject, however the latest round of suicides among young gay people is just heartbreaking.
As I'm sure you have read, young gay people are the most in jeopardy of suicide than any other group. I remember why.
Eighth and ninth grade were pure torture for me. I was still awkward, had not grown into myself and was oddly out of proportion. I was shy and quiet in school and tried to basically just melt into the walls. I didn't work. So many of my classmates became evil tormentors. I think like most young gay kids I was easy to spot. I simply didn't have enough of a macho swagger to keep me protected.
'Fag' first came up in eighth grade. Honest to God I didn't even know what the word meant at the time. Perhaps I was a bit sheltered. Eventually every insecure boy in school labeled me "queer", a "homo" and a number of phrases I don't care to even write out. We lived in Las Vegas at the time and I remember begging my parents to let us move...let me move...anything to get away. We considered switching schools, but my parents knew that the labels would follow me.
To my great relief we did end up moving to Virginia the next year. I had such high hopes that my freshman year of high school would be different. It was different...it was hideously worse than eighth grade. Not only did the name calling increase but now other boys were knocking my books out of my hand, tripping me and saying anything possible that was cruel and hurtful. I knew what their words meant now and the very worst part was I began to suspect that even though the way they were saying things was horrible, perhaps it might be true. I remember wanting to kill myself. I remember wanting to do anything possible to get away. Life was a complete misery. The idea of coming out of the closet or even admitting to myself what and who I might be became impossible for me to even think about. Gay was not an option.
Life for me radically improved the next year. We moved back to my parent's hometown after my father retired from the Air Force. Between the end of ninth grade to the beginning of my sophomore year of high school I magically had a growth spurt, learned a little bit about "dressing cool" and was living in a town now where my parents were respected and it was known that they had a little bit of money. My grandfather was the mayor. I was DETERMINED to not live the life I had been living. I repressed, suppressed and constantly tried to "act straight". It worked. I became fairly popular and had more friends than ever before. (I didn't have even one friend...this is true...in ninth grade..not one friend for a year). Deep down, I still knew that I was gay...but I really tried my hardest to just forget it...give it up.
College continued to be a place where I was popular. I had a great many friends, won campus elections and even had a very pretty girlfriend. Still, deep down I knew something was terribly wrong. I had repressed my homosexuality so much that I TRULY think I believed I wasn't. As the college years ground on I could no longer keep up the charade. Although I still didn't recognize that I was gay, I found intimacy with my girlfriend a hated chore. Still, coming out was not possible in my mind. Gay kids were tormented at my college and I was Mr. Popular. My girlfriend rightfully broke up with me our at the end of my junior year.
The story is too long to tell, but I came out second semester of my senior year of college. I didn't want to...I sort of had to. I had succumbed to the charms of a very handsome fellow student and we began dating. Many of my former friends stopped speaking to me altogether and my invites to parties dried up. However, I did find a group of what might be called the "campus misfits" and I became friends with them. A few of my popular friends didn't care and remained close to me. Not exactly perfect, but still much better than high school. By this point I was 6'2" and strong. Not someone you could easily call a fag and get away with it. Although people didn't call me names to my face, they did to some of my friends. The fear of being branded a homosexual didn't keep me from coming out in college, but I didn't tell my parents until I was 23. (That's a tale for another time).
The world is now debating how to stop bullying, but I don't think we can. Difference breeds suspicion and young people...hormones raging...feeling different themselves just don't seem to not be able to turn into monsters. Since the beginning of time there have always been bully's and their victims. Bully's don't care that they are hurting people. They just do it. Worse still it becomes a pack mentality. Our objective should be to let the victims of bullying know that it WILL and DOES get better!
Dan Savage (as earlier reported) has started a wonderful new initiative on Youtube called "It Gets Better". Clip after clip present gays, lesbians, transgenders, singles, couples etc. talking about their lives AFTER the horrors of being victims of bullying at young ages.
What we need to make sure our young GLBT youth understand is that life completely changes once you are not enforced to be around people that you don't care for. In school, we must tolerate all sorts of people...including the bullies and the hateful. Yet, once we are out on our own....we get to choose the people we want to be around.
I only can remember with joy the feelings I had once I was out of school and away from the "bad guys". I got to choose where I wanted to live, what I wanted to do and who I wanted to associate with. Suddenly life becomes a whole different ballgame and our gay youth must learn this. If only these young gay people that recently have committed suicide knew what was coming for them...that life would be fun and not at all so oppressive and scary. Each and every adult GLBT person must try to find a way to model the fact that you can survive all the bullying and that you end up with a much better life than you know. By being out and proud...getting involved with GLBT youth centers (if your town doesn't have one...start it yourself)...and showing that bullying stops when you get out on your own...well...what a difference we could make.
I am definitely committing myself to finding a way to get involved helping gay youth. I have spoken to GLBT youth groups in the past, but kind of let that slide. I now know that I need to get back to it. GLBT youth need to see adults that are happy and content. They need to know that a lot of us went through what they are going through and that we came out on the other side just fine. No..the scars of bullying never completely go away, but you get to have the life you want if you just hang on. Also, we need to spread the word about the "It Gets Better" project on Youtube. Hopefully, GLBT youth will watch, hear similar stories to their own and understand that life is going to radically improve.
Yours, Bratprince
No comments:
Post a Comment