As one of those gay monsters that believe in marriage equality I can certainly help them understand the pitfalls of it all.
I have been "married" twice. I called each one of my partners my husband.
The first was long before gay marriage was even on the table. I was with David for four years. We fought constantly but had really good make-up sex. Still, we had to split after those four years because we simply couldn't live together with both of us making it out alive. We had no luxury of divorce because we were not married...thus the split was acrimonious and bitter. I got the house (which I paid for) and he got a lot of art and furniture (which I paid for). He promptly moved on and sold some of my family heirlooms without even telling me. I have no contact with him now, but understand that he legally married some guy and they live in Las Vegas (perhaps the reason that Las Vegas as a city is collapsing).
My second husband of course is Gary Bellomy. We have been together almost 20 years. I did not take dating Gary lightly. As stated before, frankly I didn't like him at all for the first year I knew him. To his benefit...he didn't like me either. Our dating history has been documented before on this blog; so let's get to the real meat of the issue......OUR MARRIAGE WHICH WILL RUIN AMERICAN CIVILIZATION!!!
You just won't believe the differences in our marriage and those of our straight counterparts in this country. I'm sure you will find that we are literally and intentionally trying to destroy the whole nation.
After a decade and a half of living in sin with Gary, I married him in San Diego, California on 9/06/2008. I know America is shocked, but they actually let us in the courthouse and gave us a marriage license. Much to many peoples disappointment, Proposition 8 in CA. struck down gay marriage, but they couldn't figure out how to dissolve my marriage...so I am still married in California. I worry deeply about his Catholic family that supported us. The pure and clean Catholic religion (please forget about priests abusing children) must be shocked. I can't imagine the pain of his families confessions.
The real question is what happened after the marriage. We must discover how Gary and I are destroying America!!!!
1: First, we were most surprised that fliers and posters were not put up all over town announcing our marriage. If so destructive, shouldn't the general public know?? Don't they have the right to build bomb shelters and hide? It rather surprised us that the neighbors three doors down on each side had NO idea we had married and in fact didn't really care
. Doesn't the right wing and evangelicals alert these poor people?
2: We returned to our jointly owned home. Admittedly, in Texas we can't own the house as a couple, but we still own it outright, jointly. Could this be fair to our straight counterparts? How dare we actually own a home? Well, thank goodness that our taxes are higher. Obviously we should be punished for owning a house.
3: Oh MY GOD!!! What about the pets?? Poor things. They are being raised in a household by a deviant couple that was married in a far off state. How on EARTH will the two dogs and the cat grow up to be normal and adjusted pets with two daddies? I'm really worried about this. The other day, the male dog humped a pillow on the floor. I'm sure that this is all our fault. If only he had a mommy.
4:) Horrifying as it is, our family proudly attended our wedding. All of Gary's family were there (all straight). My Aunt Donna and cousin Darcy came (straight). My best friend Teresa was "my best man"...okay... she's a lesbian..so what? We had a rehearsal dinner, a wedding breakfast, the ceremony...then we all went to the beach and played for hours until Gary and I spent almost $3,000 providing our guests with a great wedding dinner feast. I'm sure California just hated getting all that tax money from us. Maybe if I call them they will give it back. I would also like all those hotel taxes back...in that we housed all of our guests in the finest hotel in San Diego. I think the bill was around $10,000. California...I want my tax money back since you invalidated everyone. Sorry you still have me as a married couple. I know it must be driving up your gas prices or something. Also, I think I should call the U.S. Post Office. I sent my sister-in-law a gorgeous and expensive Tiffany bowl for hosting our rehearsal dinner. I'm sure the U.S. government doesn't want homosexuals using the mail system. Perhaps even Tiffany's should be alerted that someone gay bought something.
5:) Married GLBT couples are half likely to divorce as straight couples. Now that is just a disturbing statistic!!! It must be our fault in some way. Perhaps if we broke up and divorced faster, horny straight husbands wouldn't be cheating. Perhaps even some of them wouldn't be getting blow jobs in rest stops from other "NOT GAY" men.
6:) Shame on us. Gary and I pay taxes. We actually pay taxes to send straight little kids to school. I'm sure that is why the school districts are breaking down. Perhaps if the GLBT community stopped supporting straight families that send their kids to school everything would get better. Maybe our money is tainted or something.
7:) Gary and I sometimes fight. Unlike pure and perfect straight couples, we do have disagreements. Our last fight occurred right before the Japanese earthquake and tsunami....thus...I'm sure we are to blame.
8:) As a twenty year married couple, Gary and I have sex less than we did. NOW, I simply am sure that our overburdened county hospital is angry. I know that they would like us not to be married.....sleep around a lot and bring them all sorts of new STD's that they can treat on the counties dime!
9:) We keep our yard and house in great shape. Gary and I live in a large house on two acres. It takes a lot to keep it up and I'm sure our neighbors wish we would just give up and let everything look dreadful so they can look better!
10:) At one time or another, both Gary and I have been unemployed. We have always been a great support to each other and kept everything running. Maybe we should just admit that we aren't legally married in Texas and throw the other out if he becomes unemployed. I'm sure homeless shelters and food stamps have plenty of room for people that don't want to help their partners out!
11:) As a couple, Gary and I have been able to give much more to charity than if we were alone. How difficult that must be on the charity. Geeeeezzz...for heaven's sake, they have to print both of our names on the thank you note. Think of the ink alone!
12:) Since with Gary, I have been in the hospital five times. DAMN HIM for visiting. I'm sure the doctors and nurses believe I would be much better off lying in bed alone with just re-runs on t.v. to keep me company.
13:) Gary and I are not and have never been overly expressive emotionally in public. Shame on us. Shouldn't we make out on the street so people can point and stare? Worse yet, when we do hold hands in public we don't seem to be very ashamed. Obviously that is contributing to the end of the world.
14:) We have ironclad wills protecting us both against any family aggression. After twenty years together; how rude!! Shouldn't our families be able to tear apart our wishes and take whatever they want? After all...some of them have shunned us, but why not take the stuff when you can get it!
15:) According to the right, our marriage has destroyed civilization as we know it. I really want to hide under the blankets due to this. Regardless of the fact that only twenty people that we personally know care about our marriage (in the positive), obviously we have just ruined everything. Apparently, when we married a vortex appeared and the whole universe shall be sucked up into a black hole.
So...sigh...I'm so sorry. It was just today that I realized what I have done...how much damage I have caused...and how straight (perfect and pure) civilization has been ruined by my little event in California.
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