Today I was thinking about true romance and endearing love. Frankly, it is hard to find in the GLBT community. I guess because we can break up without marriage and divorce...we come late in life to dating because we hide in school and don't know the rules....and the fact that we let our passions rule rather than common sense...a lot of us don't make it. Don't get me wrong...its not just us (the GLBT community)...how many straight couples do you see making it past the ten year mark anymore? Still, I believe that the GLBT community gives up faster than any other group. Heck, there's a joke about lesbians. (What happens on the first date? They rent a U-Haul). Same can be said for the gay boys out there too. We move in together WAY, WAY too fast!
When I first met Gary...heck...I didn't even like him (by the way, I dated him for well over a year before living with him..SOUND ADVICE). Still...now here we are at almost 18 years and going strong. Perhaps it would be helpful to my fellow GLBT folks to know the recipe for a great marriage...so here goes:
1. Forget the fairy tale. It doesn't exist. Disney movies are designed to be entertainment; not a roadmap of your life. You eventually get sick of the Prince or Princess from time to time.
2. (The most difficult to hear): Passion dies. Passion is the thrill of the conquest...the newness of everything..including the sex. Give it some time and you discover that much of that slips away. If not careful you can end up in a restaurant together and have nothing to say.
3. A relationship stands NOT on the good times; but the bad times instead. Let's face it...the good times are fun, but eventually the bad times will hit. Your partner's health will suffer, someone will lose a job and you will have to support them, the washing machine breaks just when you were about to buy a Gucci suit. Your partner works too much. You work too much. He or she comes home and says they wrecked the car and now your insurance is going up. You have dishes in the sink and you count them to make sure he or she has more and then you and then complain about them not cleaning up. I could go on and on....and please feel free to add your own points.
4. The sex gets a little dull. No, it's not bad...it's just the usual. ESPECIALLY with gay men....we often seek...ummm...extra curricular activities and those will eventually surface in your relationship. You will need to be able to explain them, bargain or lose what you have in your life.
5. Life gets to be a routine. Nothing seems to change.
I have many other things on my list but for now that is enough.
So, let's talk about WHY long term relationships matter and how to handle the ups and downs.
FOR THE RECORD: Gary and I fought like cats and dogs for at least five years in the beginning of our relationship. Here you had two very strong, opinionated and set-in-their ways kind of guys. Neither of us really wanted to give up control. I have known so many couples that give up at around the five year point (I know three this month). Both Gary and I wanted to establish the dominant figure in our household. Neither was able to give up an inch. Around year six we talked of divorce. We were tired of fighting. We promised ourselves a month to reflect and figure out if we were salvageable. Ironically, at the end of the month we found not only were we repaired, but more in love than ever before. HINT FOLKS: Take time out before doing something rash. In the process we became equals!
I gave up control of the yard (which I loved) and Gary gave up control of the house (which was his in the first place and he loved). It was hard at first, but now when Gary plants something I am not fond of I just smile and say how pretty it is. When I buy some new thing for the house, Gary does the same. We don't critique each other anymore. Rather we ask questions. I find giving a critique is a form of repressed anger and resentment. Why not just bring it all out into the open RIGHT THEN and figure it out. Example: I DO NOT AND WILL NOT TOLERATE BEING YELLED AT FOR ANY REASON. Gary doesn't do it often, but occasionally slips. After calming him down...we discuss his behavior...and 100% of the time I get an apology and everything is fine (but you must learn to truly forgive first). Gary hates when I am angry and become ice cold and silent. He has learned to break the ice and get me to talk it out. This didn't take a year, folks. This took a DECADE of learning.
It took almost a decade to figure out what we were best at and to let the other handle it. Example: I am not afraid of electricity and can install a light..fix wiring, etc. Gary is terrified. On the other end of the scale, plumbing totally baffles me, but Gary can fix almost anything...from changing pipes to making my toilet stop dripping (he did that yesterday). I don't like laundry and I don't like washing my car. Gary does it every week. Gary is a mess when he comes home and leaves a trail of clothes, keys, wallet, glasses, etc. I dutifully pick everything up in the morning and put them back in their place. Gary is a great "simple" cook and grudgingly I have let him into MY kitchen at least once a week to fix dinner. His meals are simple and yummy. Still...when it comes time to impress...a holiday...or when there is a time frame, Gary moves out of my way and lets me cook and handle the whole show. I'm the gourmet...he is the cook.
Do we fight? Yes. All couples do. Will we get a divorce in the future (after all, I did actually marry him in California)....NO...NEVER. We have lived through numerous health crises, the death of four pets, loss of jobs, making more money than the other...among simple other boring arguments. Just a few days ago, Gary brought me dinner from his restaurant. My steak was not medium rare, but blood red. The veggies were wilted. I thought it smart to "help him" by giving a critique. BAD, BAD, BAD idea. A: It was eleven at night and Gary had worked a full day. B: The food came off the line at the end of the evening...they rarely get complaints during actual dinner service. Thus...well...how do I say this....although I pretended to help I was a total dick!
My thought about this all is when the rough times come...AND THEY WILL IN FORCE...take a breather....give yourself some time. History, a legacy with another person, shared memories, deep and abiding love.....all those things matter more than the fleeting moment that you get when everything is new and fresh! Is this easy...even with Gary and me? No! Sometimes it is incredibly difficult. Do I love my husband with all my heart? YES! Always and forever. He has been the hand to hold during my very worst days. He has been a force in my life for almost twenty years. Do I love him with every fiber of my being? OH YES! Does he piss me off beyond belief? REGULARLY! Would I, Could I, Shall I, Will I EVER give him up.....not in this lifetime my friends.
It took ten years, but after that I live in a wonderful world with a fantastic husband that makes a difference in my life EACH and EVERY day! After almost twenty years he still calls me from work four or five times just to say "Hi" and see how I am doing. The newspaper in bed on Sundays is so a part of my life I can't imagine it otherwise.
I have a great life. I hope all of my friends that question their romance...and wish for that unattainable fairy tale read this and take heed.
Yours, Bratprince
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