1. Remember, remember, remember that your partner is ALSO the same sex as you and probably shares many traits. Often our hormones rule us and can cause fights over the simplest of matters. Just because we are GLBT doesn't mean that we don't want to behave like a man or woman in a relationship. Without that knowledge...no relationship will survive.
2. Choose your battles wisely. YES...although I present Gary and I as the perfect couple...we do fight. Not that often anymore, but still we fight. All couples do. Yet in a gay relationship....again you have the man against man or the woman against woman (and we usually fight the same way therefore coming to a dead standstill during a showdown. Nobody ever wins).
3. Find what you do well and what you don't. Discover what your husband/wife/partner does the best. Agree to separate the labor. FOR YEARS I tried to control every single thing regarding our house, our bills and even the yard. FLAT OUT...Gary is better in the yard than I am. He loves his plants, his grass, the trees etc. I don't hate yard work...I really don't...but on his day in the yard I just leave him alone. It gives him time to think. Our yard is lovely and he has done very well. Occasionally I make suggestions...and occasionally he listens...BUT...the yard is Gary's domain and I back down if he doesn't like my ideas.
The house itself is mine to control. The interior design, the flatware, the paintings, the rugs, the color of the walls.....everything is up to me. Gary let go of that long ago knowing how important it was to me. I haven't done poorly..the house has been photographed by design magazines for years....but...if Gary had been all in my business then nothing would ever have gotten done! He recognized that I was more talented in this area and simply moved away from those kind of decisions. All parties and dinners are under my auspices. Frankly, I just know how to throw a better party than Gary. (We still argue a bit about guest lists. He really does know how to invite people I don't want...and becomes insistent...they usually get an invite).
4. FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE! Gary does not mind me saying that he is HIV+. I am not. However, I have Lupus which can be just as scary and sometimes worse. During our life together, Gary has NEVER once been hospitalized. I on the other hand have been in the hospital four or five times...twice on a respirator because Lupus had filled my lungs with fluid and I would have died otherwise. Gary was always right there when I woke up (twice from a coma). He held my hand. He told me it was going to be alright. He loved me when I needed it most. Some people might run when their partners are sick. I've never, EVER wondered if I would end up alone in a hospital room. Gary was always there...with pajamas so I didn't have to wear a hospital gown...books for me to read, etc. In addition...as I have said before...I suffer from a severe form of bipolar disorder. Gary has my medical power of attorney. Twice he insisted that I go for inpatient psychiatric treatment. I never resented that. I just waited for him to come visit. Gary frequently gets migraines and sinus problems. He knows that he can wake me up at any hour to run to the 24 hour store to get him anti-sinus pills etc.
5. Try to become financial equals. In my experience, money is the ultimate destroyer of a relationship. My first partner...many, many years ago could never step up to the plate. He chose lousy jobs and allowed me to pay for everything. I resented that; deeply! I owned the house, the cars, the furniture...on and on. His lack of ambition eventually made me fall out of love. I even remember the day that I decided enough was enough. I wasn't cruel in our separation. He left our home and found an apartment (through a company I was working for). He didn't pay one bill and sold every bit of furniture I had loaned him...including a few family heirlooms. I learned right then and there that I would NEVER partner again with someone that couldn't carry their own weight!!! Supporting someone forever just plain sucks. Gary and I co-own our house...outright..paid off years ago....through an odd twist, I own Gary's Mercedes and he owns my Jaguar. Long story. Gary and I have both lost or changed jobs. Regardless of the burden that places on ANY couple...we have supported each other through it all and NEVER complained. 'Water Seeks Its Own Level"! Remember that. I have a friend that chose two sub-par partners and ended up hurt, lied to and worse yet; manipulated. She has long shed those partners and now is with a woman that IS at her level. They just shared their two year anniversary..I'm so happy for them!
6. SURPRISE your partner. I think this may be one of my most important points. When you reach almost twenty years...everything can become stale and dull if you don't make an effort! Gary has never stopped surprising me and I have done the same. How to even explain? For no reason at all, Gary brings me roses. On my Mother's birthday he brings me daisies (the symbol of my Mother's favorite charity). Every Valentines day (although not much of a surprise) he brings me live rose bushes to plant in my rose garden. For Christmas and my birthday he usually buys a new Imperial Russian treasure for my world famous collection (admittedly...not much of a surprise, because he wants me to check first and make sure he is purchasing a true treasure rather than a fake). He brings me yummy dinners from his restaurant (quite often). He washes my car almost weekly without me asking. He washes and changes my sheets every week (he doesn't think I make a bed very well). He cooks...I cook...we have a great time figuring out our meals when he is off work. I TIVO all of our favorite shows and don't watch them until he is off work...thus I get to watch crappy shows on t.v. waiting for him.
7. LISTEN! Gary isn't a very verbose person. Frankly he doesn't talk that much...a trait he shares with all of his family except my sister-in-law, Jeanne (one of my closest friends...she threw our wedding in San Diego and whenever she is in town I always take her out for a "girls only day..lol". Still, there are times when Gary has something important to say. I shut up...listen...and respond in the most positive way (often it is work related). In addition, Gary sits quietly on the sofa as I sift through the news of the day and gab away. He never complains.
8. Forgive. There is nothing more to say about this. Forgiveness is the key to a healthy relationship......in addition...let go of your resentments. Choose that your partner didn't mean anything unkind and just GET OVER IT!
9. DREAM together. This is something that Gary and I had to learn over time. Gary has his own dreams of the future and I am 100% behind him. I am working to be a successful novelist (I am already a successful writer for magazines). Gary supports my vision...edits my work...and is always my champion. Couples must dream together for a better life....and I love that I have a husband that supports me!
10. Don't move in together until you have dated a year!!!!
11. And finally...REACH OUT...and TALK whenever you can. Because of Gary's very busy job schedule and the fact that he is only with me one or two days a week (he sleeps late daily because he works so late)....I call him at least three or four times a day...and he calls me. Sometimes it is just to say hello...I love you. Sometimes more. Regardless....I will never, ever, ever let him feel that I am not thinking of him always. He is my wonderful, amazing saviour. He is the man I love the most...the person I trust implicitly...and the only man I would have ever married.
To my email friend that asked how it works...I hope this helps. Life with another is a dream come true....but....it takes so much work, honesty, forgiveness and understanding. When we get to that point...we can finally build a relationship that lasts! All the best and thanks for emailing me.
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